Finding meaning. In EVERYTHING.

This is me with my sister Blanche taken last April in Burgos, Pangasinan. The rather dissatisfied expression on my face must be caused by the scorching heat. But the picture of me thinking, got me thinking.

I have made myself scarce over the past few months for a good number of reasons. For one, work is really taking its toll. I have started to work shifts at the office, meaning I work nights and a weekend every now and then in exchange for more than 2 days off so I can spend more time with my family. Secondly, I am in a creative rut. Never before have I felt so uninspired to go out and take photos, and although I am not very creative nowadays when it comes to photography, I am rather very clever when it comes to making up reasons to NOT go out and take pictures. My camera is (or was!) too heavy, I am too tired from work, I live in a city where the crime rate is high and I fear for my camera getting stolen, the weather is too hot, too rainy, or even too cloudy. I am not travelling at the moment and my surroundings don't inspire me, blah, blah.

So even though the expression on my face was due to the severe heat during the summer months, it could also have been me pondering WHAT THE H*** AM I DOING IN THIS COUNTRY punishing myself, being half the person I was, a corporate zombie with no time, or energy, to express myself and my creativity. I have spent many nights thinking, should I just go back?

And tonight, the "answer" to my question came. My good friend and ex-colleague Gro (the pretty girl with glasses on the left), wrote to me on FB with the news: the company I had been working for in Norway was bought by a competitor and my entire department has been laid off. I feel sorry for my colleagues/friends since they have been working for this company for many years. But they are "native" Norwegians and they have the resources and the network to start fresh and find new jobs. Of course some readjustments will have to be made but it will not be so difficult for them. Had I, however, not decided to take the plunge a year ago and go back to the Philippines, I would have been in a financial crisis right now which would have been much more difficult to get out of. By leaving the company, and Norway a year in advance, I actually made it easier for myself to get rested, get a new job and start anew.

It was meant to be! And while I do believe that I control my own destiny in some ways, an "upper hand" guided me in the right direction and averted a crisis. I thought for a long time that leaving meant that I would be saying goodbye to who I was and to the things I loved to do and the people I hold dear. In some ways it does, but now I realize that by being here, I was actually given the chance to continue being who I am and to continue doing the things I love, albeit in a different form. I was looking to the past too darn much to see that THIS, NOW, is my chance for a rebirth, a renaissance.

I should use this new enlightenment to steer myself in the right direction. But most of all, I need to THRIVE. For my own sake. I need to adjust to my surroundings and continue being myself and enjoy life like I used to. Even if it means I have to adjust to the weather. Even if it means I have to find a new approach to my photography. I need to get myself out of the rut I placed myself into and blossom in my new surroundings.

And blossom I will! It might be taking longer than expected, but I will get there. At least it helps to know that I am really where I am supposed to be. I know I already told myself that some months ago, but it helps to have that thought reinforced every now and then!